


If I Fall, I Might Grow Wings

by Auteur detoiles (Brilliante)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, DEEP SHIT, Eventual Fluff, F/F, Like so much I might break you, M/M, Minor Character Death, Murder, So much angst, Song references, Suicide Attempt, crazy shit, disembodied voices, eventual, hopefully..., like deeper than the atlantic ocean, maybe...
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-10
Updated: 2016-06-14
Packaged: 2018-07-14 07:11:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7158998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brilliante/pseuds/Auteur%20detoiles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My name is Eren Yeager, and I have some problems…..<br/>Not your everyday problems like, forgetting where you put your keys or being very clumsy.Though I don’t know where on earth my keys are right now, I guess you could call me, Depressed? Fucked in the head? In the depths of despair?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dark Beginnings

**Author's Note:**

  * For [OtakuEren_LuvU](https://archiveofourown.org/users/OtakuEren_LuvU/gifts).



My name is Eren Yeager, and I have some problems…..

Not your everyday problems like, forgetting where you put your keys or being very clumsy.Though I don’t know where on earth my keys are right now, I guess you could call me, Depressed? Fucked in the head? In the depths of despair?

 

I’ve been called all those things, by the voices in my head. The voices aren’t nice voices too, they’re really mean ones. They tell me I’m worthless, they tell me I’ll never amount to anything.

 

At first I shrugged them off, payed no mind but now after losing one of my best friends, my job and my mother, maybe they were right? They tell me to do things too, when I’m in the kitchen they tell me to pick up the butchering knife and turn myself into a kebab. I can’t imagine that’s very tasty.

They tell me to take the pills I see in the medicine cabinet. They tell me to smash my head against the wall. They tell me all sorts of things.And one day they told me something, so I did it, it couldn’t be that bad? Right?

 

Here I was at the top of Stohess Tower, the view was breath-taking, with the sunset spreading hues of oranges and faint purples. The voices tell me I can fly into those colours if I just take that last step off.So I walk to the edge looking down and a tiny flash of doubt wells in my mind but the voices drown it out and eventually I’m smiling as a single tear drips down my face. Off I go, into the sun, into the twilight.

  
  


_A month earlier,_

 

“Fuck you too!” Eren said throwing his chef’s hat at Jean.

 

”Why the fuck do I put up with you?! All you do is whine and bitch of how I’m following the recipe too strict. Newsflash, Eren! The recipe tells you how to make it! Maybe you could learn a thing or two from it, god knows you need it!” said Jean.

 

That was the last straw for the ticking time-bomb that was Eren.”Oh you bastard!” said Eren, leaping at Jean, feral and wild as if he was a wolf.

 

Before Eren was able to tear Jean limb from limb he was dragged back by a familiar hand.

”ENOUGH! This is my kitchen and I will not let you two bicker in it like school children! Eren this is the 11th fight this week! I am sick of you picking fights with Jean!” yelled Mike, the owner of Titan’s the restaurant where Eren worked.

 

Mike then said in a solemn tone, “I’m sorry Eren but at the rate you’re going, I don’t think this can be helped. I’m sorry Eren but you’re fired.”

 

In that moment it was as if the world was at a stand-still. Eren was paralyzed by what just happened, he had his dream job, cooking at a big restaurant and it was gone, just like that, only for a few little fights here and there.

Rage consumed Eren, if he wasn’t so pissed he would have thought there was smoke coming from his nostrils.

“Fuck this, this is bullshit!” Eren stormed out, stomping in white hot fury.

He all but slammed the door to his car when he opened it and entered. Keys in the ignition and his hands on the wheel, Eren funnelled all of his anger into his driving. Eren’s conscience tried to get him to slow down because there was a 99% chance he was speeding but his anger blocked any rational thinking.

 

As he swerved through cars and being more reckless than a drunk driver getting home he saw his mother’s house ahead and the thought of his mother inside soothed him slightly. At least he’d be able to bitch to her about this. So Eren pulled up into the driveway and the fog of anger that remained veiled the fact the door was already a crack open.

Eren opened the door and dropped his bag in the little area for coats and stuff he would normally know what it was called but the fog of rage even clouded his vocabulary.

**(A.N. Actually I just have no idea what it’s called, comment if you know XD)**

Eren called out, “Mom? You there?”, No answer, maybe she was out getting groceries or something. Eren believed that until he turned the white corner into the living room and saw a white dove on the window ledge fly off as he panned his vision to the centre of the room. There his mother lay, stabbed, mutilated and lying in a pool of blood.

Over the corpse stood a tall figure that wore all-black and held a large knife. The figure then looked up and made eye contact with Eren, The figure’s black mask piercing into Eren’s eyes. Eyes blown wide, the figure turned to the large glass window in the living room and ran straight out the window shattering it in the process. It would’ve looked  really cool to Eren if the figure didn’t just murder his mother. The realisation all at once rushed in and hit Eren causing him to fall down to his knees and he broke down in tears, wailing.

 

After a good two minutes crying he whipped out his phone and dialled 911.

“911, what’s your emergency?”

Eren’s voice still shook when he spoke, “M-my m-mom s-she’s, s-she’s d-dead.”

“Oh dear….” said the operator.”Ok I need more details, tell me everything you see.”

Eren sniffled and shakily brought his voice back to the phone,

“T-there was a man, h-he had a kn-nife b-but he ran”

”What did he look like, did you recognise him?”

”N-no h-he w-was wearing all-black”

”Okay, stay calm, an ambulance and police are on their way” said the operator in an attempt to soothe him

”O-okay”

”Now I need you to find somewhere to hide, okay and only come out for the police or if the ambulance shows up, can you do that for me?” asked the operator.

“I c-can” said Eren, immediately searching for a spot to hide and decided under the stairs would be the best place. He ran and opened the door to the closet there.

”Now what?”

“They should be arriving any minute now but you need to stay quiet okay?”

Eren heard sirens in the distance, gradually becoming louder.

“I hear them.”

“Wonderful, now I’m sorry but I’m getting another call, I’ll have to put you on hold.”

The hold music was almost comical in this grim situation, It was Ariana Grande’s “Problem” and her voice started filling Eren’s ears. _I got one less problem without ya,_

_I got one less problem without ya, I got one less, one less, problemmm._

“Really world?” Eren thought, “Really?”

Eren’s mind shifted to the corpse of his mother, and he started to sob silently keeping in mind what the operator told him, until the sirens grew so loud that they must’ve have been outside his mother’s house.

Eren burst out from the closet still remnants of tears lingering, and used the last of his will to direct the paramedics inside.

As his mother was taken away on a stretcher, Eren heard a voice in his mind that unfortunately he would come to be very familiar with.

_“You deserved it.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So oki doki if you liked that train of angst and crazy ish leave a comment and yeah =3 <3 <3


	2. Crash and Burn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren can't fly, he doesn't have angel wings, but he should have a halo, he should be dead.

Wind, I feel the wind rushing through me. I spread my arms out and for a moment I feel like I’m flying.

I look to my side and see Stohess Tower rushing past me, and I look down and the ground speeds towards me. I take a huge breath, let it out then land with a ‘graceful’ smash into a tree. 

 

Everything goes black, I think I hear screams, I hear a child crying, I hear sirens. Next thing I know I’m in a hospital bed looking up at a spotless, immaculate room with faint beeps sounding in time with my heartbeat.

 

“Oh my God! He’s awake!” yells a voice from about 5 feet from me.

 

Immediately I turn to the voice and see a doctor with dark, unkempt brown hair jumping up and down on the spot.

“Um, hi?” I said in an effort to gauge what the hell was going on.

“Do you know how lucky you are?!?” she said practically running up to my bed and shaking me.

“Well, I found a quarter the other day, if that counts?”

“Oh my god, you almost died!”

It all came back to me then, the tower, the voices, the fall, the crash.

“Jesus Christ…” I mumbled.

“What were you thinking?!??”

I felt the tears welling in my eyes, come on Eren, don’t cry, don’t cry.

The tears spilled out and I dived into my pillow.

The doctor’s voice took a more calming tone and she said,

“It’s fine now, you’re living and not paralysed, by some miracle the way you landed spread the damage so thin across your body it did minimal damage for that big a fall.”

I sniffled a little bit and took deep breaths in an effort to calm down.

“But there’s one thing, the police investigated the roof of the tower and it showed no signs of someone with you, did you, jump off yourself?”

I managed to catch myself for one word,”Y-yeah”

“Why?”

In my state of sadness and pity for myself, from a magical breath that came from nowhere I blurted out everything that happened in the past month, how I lost my job, my friend and my mother, how these voices in my head started bringing me down, how I went up to the roof and thought I’d fly into the sunset.

After it all I mumbled to myself, “How fucking pathetic.”

“It’s not, it’s an extreme case of PTSD, post-traumatic stress disorder. Your brain had an extreme reaction to those events and looked for the cause, your brain thought it was weakness so in its extremity it manifested a ‘voice’ telling you your weaknesses in a weird roundabout way to encourage you to better yourself.” she said in a very matter-of-fact way.

 

I retorted, “And look where that got me.”

 

“I will say your story is rare but not unique, though most cases of PTSD involve panic attacks and such, what happened to you does happen to a rare few. Funny thing is, in the old days you would’ve been labelled insane, sent to an asylum and never seen again. Luckily we have more research and we can clinically determine if someone is indeed insane.” 

 

She rambled on, about the history of insanity and after what seemed like hours I questioned whether or not I was actually going insane.

“By the way, I forgot to mention my name’s Hange” she said at the end of her rant.

 

A shy man appeared in the doorway and said, “Um, Ms. Zoë?”

“Yes Moblit?”

“I’m here with that medicine you wanted and some water.”

I turned my gaze to the tray he was holding that indeed had 2 pills and a large glass of water.

“Okay, give it here” Hange said, arms outstretched to get the tray and she plopped it on my lap.

“Both pills at once or in succession?”

“Uhm..” I said thinking for a bit.

“Too late!” she said sticking both pills in my mouth and almost drowning me in the water.

After a lot of coughing I finally managed to get out, “What’d you do that for?!?”

“You were thinking too long.” she says as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“I was thinking for a whole 3 seconds….” I said glaring at her.

“Still too long.”

“Is not!”

“I’m sorry, Eren was it? It’s best not to argue with the doctor in these situations, she always wins, believe me I’ve tried.” says the shy doctor that brought in the tray.

“Ugh, fine” I said slouching down in defeat.

“Now that that’s settled, Moblit can you go get Eren some food?”

“Sure, Hange be right back!”

Moblit replied rushing off turning right at the hall.

“By the way after you finish your food you should probably get some rest soon enough there’ll be some police here to ask about your, trip…”

Moblit came back in record time with a tray of regular plain food, bread, soup and such.

“That was fast Moblit but you didn’t beat your record!”

“My record was only made because you were chasing me with a surgical knife trying to cut off my hair.”

“It was for science!”

 

I eventually piped up between the two of them,

“Can I have my food now?”

“Oh yeah, almost forgot about you Eren!”

“Oh how I feel so loved” I said sarcastically.

“You know we will always love you, as your parents Moblit and I have a responsibility to take care of you.” Hange retorted.

“Hange, you’re his doctor not his  _ mother. _ ”

At that word I tensed my lighthearted feeling dulling down to a solemn sadness.

“Can you just give me my food.” I droned reaching out my hands.

Hange said in a hushed tone to Moblit, who looked oblivious to my sadness.” Don’t mention his moth-”

I glared at her briefly at that mention.

She rephrased her sentence saying “Don’t mention his maternal figure, she, isn’t around.”

“Oh…” Moblit said looking at me with a gaze of pity.

I took my food and ate painstakingly slow, only thinking about how angry that look of pity made me, it’s been a month why should I need his pity. My appetite ruined I set my food aside and tucked into the sheets, sinking into the mattress and fell asleep.

 

When I awoke a new face joined my vision, a short man with a black military styled undercut and to be honest he looked kinda hot.

  
My thoughts were interrupted when the new face said, “Mr Yeager, I’d like to ask you a few questions.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer; I have no knowledge of Psychology and the ins and outs of PTSD sorry if I got it horribly wrong, I was just trying to find a loophole to make Eren not insane XD anyways if you like this ish leave a comment and tell me how much you love me =3 jk you don't have to (but if you want to.... I won't stop you.=3 ) <3 <3


End file.
